Tag Archives: humor

All the President’s Teeth

President Hoover went to the Walter Reed Military Hospital in Washington for dental treatment, and it was found necessary to extract three or four of his teeth. An orderly who was in attendance had the bright idea that there were people who would be willing to pay good money for a President’s teeth, so he gathered them up as soon as Mr. Hoover had left. He not only possessed himself of the Hoover teeth, he also collected all the teeth that had been extracted that day from the jaws of many sufferers by the hospital dentists. The exact number of his collection is not stated, but it was considerable and he had no difficulty in disposing of them all as genuine Hoover teeth at 50 cents. This price he found afterwards was absurdly low, for within a day or two he discovered that they were being sold in the city at several dollars each. Then somebody discovered that there were more teeth on offer than the Hoover household could have supplied, even if every member had visited the dentist and  had every tooth extracted. Quotations in the Presidential old teeth market immediately dropped to zero.

Source: Kalgoorlie Miner, Tues 15 September, 1931

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The Denture Code

A clergyman who had taken temporary duty for a friend, had the ill-luck to injure his false teeth during the week. The plate was sent to the dentist’s for repair, a faithful assurance being given that it should be duly returned by Sunday’s post, but the dentist or the post proved faithless. With the assistance of the clerk, the clergyman  managed to stumble through the prayers, but felt it would be useless to attempt to preach. He therefore instructed the clerk to “ make some excuse for him and dismiss the congregation.” But his feelings may he better imagined than described when in the seclusion of the vestry he overheard the clerk in impressive tones thus deliver the “excuse”: very sorry, but it is his misfortune to be obligated to wear a set of artful teeth. They busted last Wednesday, and he ain’t got them back from London today as he was promised. I’ve helped him all I could through the service, but I can’t do no more for him ; ’tisn’t any use him going up into the pulpit, for you wouldn’t understand a word he  said, so he thinks you all may as well go
home.”
Source: The Bendigo Independent, Sat 22 October, 1892

Turkish Delights

The Sultan of Turkey, it is said, once suffered much from toothache, and the dentist having inspected the royal patient’s teeth declared that one of them must be drawn. In order to give the Sultan nerve, a slave was brought to his apartment and had a tooth extracted. The slave, however, bore the operation so very badly that it had just the opposite effect to that which was intended, and the Sultan, thinking the remedy worse than the disease, declined to submit himself to the forceps. A little later on the faulty tooth again became troublesome, and again the Sultan sent for the dentist, who reiterated his former opinion that the offending tooth must come out. So a second slave was summoned and underwent torture. He yelled louder than the first and for a second time Abdul Hamid declined to be relieved through such an ordeal. The attacks of toothache continued to occur, yet when eight slaves had been operated upon, the Sultan had not gathered up sufficient courage.

Source: The Armidale Chronicle, 08 Dec 1897

A resident of Molotou, on the Dorrigo, had his artificial teeth stolen by a black magpie . While the man was at work, he removed his new set of artificial teeth, which had been troubling him and placed them on a nearby log. Presently a magpie swooped down and flew off with them to a high tree and proceeded to try and break them against a dead limb. A gun was secured, but the shot failed, and the bird, still clutching the teeth in its beak, flew away with the owner of them in pursuit. It was not long before both bird and teeth were lost to light in a thickly-wooded gully! • The Sydney Morning Herald, Fri 24 Dec 1926

Testing the Waters

When a young lady’s lover paid her a visit, he found her distressed, and with tears in her eyes. On enquiring as to the reason, she complained that she suffered terribly from toothache, and that her dentist recommended she have two teeth removed. She continued by asking her guy whether he would accompany her to the surgery, to which he replied in the affirmative. On hearing this, she asked him whether he would have two teeth out as well? When the reply was “yes”, she went on to enquire, if he would have them out prior to her. The answer was again “yes”. The woman immediately flung away her handkerchief from her face and gave her man a lingering kiss, afterwards informing him that it was all a test of his love for her. They immediately made wedding arrangements!

Source: The Queenslander, Saturday 26 March 1910

She sells sea shells….

A professor of speech at Teacher’s College in New York, quoted in the “New York Times” said: When a person can recite the following without difficulty, his speech is normal:

Are our oats here?
Many a Wit is not a whit wittier than Whittier.
The menu is not less important than the men you meet.
His suit shoaWed spots of suet and soot.

Why don’t you try it?

Source: Western Argus, Tuesday 26 May 1936