Category Archives: humour

All the President’s Teeth

President Hoover went to the Walter Reed Military Hospital in Washington for dental treatment, and it was found necessary to extract three or four of his teeth. An orderly who was in attendance had the bright idea that there were people who would be willing to pay good money for a President’s teeth, so he gathered them up as soon as Mr. Hoover had left. He not only possessed himself of the Hoover teeth, he also collected all the teeth that had been extracted that day from the jaws of many sufferers by the hospital dentists. The exact number of his collection is not stated, but it was considerable and he had no difficulty in disposing of them all as genuine Hoover teeth at 50 cents. This price he found afterwards was absurdly low, for within a day or two he discovered that they were being sold in the city at several dollars each. Then somebody discovered that there were more teeth on offer than the Hoover household could have supplied, even if every member had visited the dentist and  had every tooth extracted. Quotations in the Presidential old teeth market immediately dropped to zero.

Source: Kalgoorlie Miner, Tues 15 September, 1931

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The Denture Code

A clergyman who had taken temporary duty for a friend, had the ill-luck to injure his false teeth during the week. The plate was sent to the dentist’s for repair, a faithful assurance being given that it should be duly returned by Sunday’s post, but the dentist or the post proved faithless. With the assistance of the clerk, the clergyman  managed to stumble through the prayers, but felt it would be useless to attempt to preach. He therefore instructed the clerk to “ make some excuse for him and dismiss the congregation.” But his feelings may he better imagined than described when in the seclusion of the vestry he overheard the clerk in impressive tones thus deliver the “excuse”: very sorry, but it is his misfortune to be obligated to wear a set of artful teeth. They busted last Wednesday, and he ain’t got them back from London today as he was promised. I’ve helped him all I could through the service, but I can’t do no more for him ; ’tisn’t any use him going up into the pulpit, for you wouldn’t understand a word he  said, so he thinks you all may as well go
home.”
Source: The Bendigo Independent, Sat 22 October, 1892

Turkish Delights

The Sultan of Turkey, it is said, once suffered much from toothache, and the dentist having inspected the royal patient’s teeth declared that one of them must be drawn. In order to give the Sultan nerve, a slave was brought to his apartment and had a tooth extracted. The slave, however, bore the operation so very badly that it had just the opposite effect to that which was intended, and the Sultan, thinking the remedy worse than the disease, declined to submit himself to the forceps. A little later on the faulty tooth again became troublesome, and again the Sultan sent for the dentist, who reiterated his former opinion that the offending tooth must come out. So a second slave was summoned and underwent torture. He yelled louder than the first and for a second time Abdul Hamid declined to be relieved through such an ordeal. The attacks of toothache continued to occur, yet when eight slaves had been operated upon, the Sultan had not gathered up sufficient courage.

Source: The Armidale Chronicle, 08 Dec 1897

Till Death Do Us NOT Part

The latest idea in economy stands to the credit of a thrifty American woman who lived near Janesville, and was wearing her dead husband’s false teeth. When he died she had his fine set of false teeth removed before he was placed in the coffin. Then she called upon the old dentist, informing him that she desired to have them remade to fit her, and the request was granted. When she left the dentist, she said that she hoped that the teeth would make her feel 30 years younger, as she intended to marry again shortly.

Source: Clarence and Richmond Examiner, Sat 27 July 1907

The Golden Couple

Nicholas, a poor peasant who worked in the fields of Macedonia had but one ambition; to some day have a gold tooth. His natural teeth were all sound enough, and as white and even as anyone could wish, but the longing for one of the shining yellow metal held him fast. So when Nicholas said goodbye to his Macedonian sweetheart, Kyra, a beautiful peasant girl, and went to New York, he promised that he would return to claim her as his bride after he had got a gold tooth. The immigrant settled in the States, worked hard and amassed a small fortune. One day a dentist placed a  shining gold crown on one of his  teeth, and Nicholas left immediately for Macedonia to marry Kyra.

Source: Globe, Wed 13 March, 1912

The Gummy Groom

An extraordinary and untimely accident caused a suburban wedding to be postponed for two hours. The prospective bridegroom was having his last meal as a bachelor when he had the misfortune to break his false teeth in halves. What might have been merely an unfortunate nuisance was made serious by the fact that he swallowed them. He was rushedto hospital, where an x-ray examination revealed that the broken denture was lodged in his stomach. In spite of the misfortune he was determined that the ceremony should take place, and the marriage was performed.

Source: Advocate,  Thu 17 Aug 1933

What a Shocker!

Trials were made in London with an apparatus for the extraction
of teeth by electricity!
 The apparatus consisted of an induction-coil of extremely fine wire, having an interrupter that could vibrate at the rate of 450 times a second. The patient sat in the traditional arm chair and took the negative electrode in his left hand, and the positive in his right. At this moment, the operator turned on a current whose intensity was gradually increased till it had attained the utmost limit that the patient could support. The extractor was then put in circuit and fastened on the tooth, which under the action of the vibrations, loosened at once.
Source: The Kadina and Wallaroo Times, Sat 22 Jun 1895

Love and Marriage

An elderly couple boarded a tram at Belmont. Suddenly the woman exclaimed: “Dad!.,You
haven’t got your teeth!” Dad touched his mouth to make sure. “It’s your fault,” he said, “letting me come out in public without my teeth.” He pulled the bell cord. “Surely  you don’t hold your wife responsible for putting your teeth in before going out?” asked a fellow passenger. “Certainly, I do. She has a good look at me before I leave home. She’d soon notice it if I went out without my trousers. Of course, its her fault; she should see I have my teeth in before I go out!
Source: The Charleville Times, Thu 11 June, 1953

Bullion Bulldog

An English bulldog sitting in a car on Washington Street, Indianapolis, attracted considerable attention with a generous display of gold teeth!
By reason of the open face construction peculiar to this breed of dog, the gold fang was especially prominent and fairly glistened in the sunlight. There was other wealth in the dog’s mouth besides this, for she had four back teeth of the valuable metal. Despite these adornments, the dog of aristrocratic breeding, was not at all proud, but looked about in a casual way, as though mildly interested n the persons who were keenly interested in her.

A resident of Molotou, on the Dorrigo, had his artificial teeth stolen by a black magpie . While the man was at work, he removed his new set of artificial teeth, which had been troubling him and placed them on a nearby log. Presently a magpie swooped down and flew off with them to a high tree and proceeded to try and break them against a dead limb. A gun was secured, but the shot failed, and the bird, still clutching the teeth in its beak, flew away with the owner of them in pursuit. It was not long before both bird and teeth were lost to light in a thickly-wooded gully! • The Sydney Morning Herald, Fri 24 Dec 1926