Drats!

A clerk, whose false teeth suddenly disappeared from his dressing table the previous night, offered a reward for their recovery. A young man took up the offer, visited the house, and from a hole beside a stump, he extracted many odds and ends, including his prize.

Attached to the false teeth was a rubber grip which had been gnawed by the culprit –  a rat!

Source: Western Star and Roma Advertiser, Wednesday 10 January 1934

An Eye for an Eye….

When a man near Khartoum was set upon by two men and consequently suffered a broken tooth, he insisted on a similar punishment for his attackers, once the matter was brought before an emergency court. 

Under strict Islamic Law, the presiding judge ordered that a dentist remove one tooth from each culprit without the use of anaesthetic!

 

Source: The Canberra Times, Tuesday 5 June 1984

The Cold Front

A well known footballer from the northern district of New South Wales, wrote to a Meredith friend regarding the ferocity of the Winter season. He related how one night, before going to bed, he left his false teeth in a cup of water only to wake up in the morning and find them embedded in ice!

 

 

Source: The Horsham Times, Friday 21 August 1925

Domestic Blitz

My kitchen sink is a gastronomic warzone

of food scraps, glass, metal and china

a lingering fusion of spice

drip drops of tomato sauce and olive oil

splattered all over the hotplate and tile wall

like a Pro Hart canvas

leftovers are scraped into the tidy bin,

well, according to Murphy’s Law

some land onto the floor

making a mess of the whole damned thing,

after each squeeze, the detergent bottle bubbles

the last erupting beads of lemon scented liquid

prove stubbornly resistant

spa steam rises making me sweat

water trickling from my brow into the salt lake

triangle at the front of my neck

I suppose that rubber glove on my submerged right hand is a hole in disguise

as my fingers start to swell becoming twice their original size

each utensil blindly lifted from the milky tub is a lathered revelation

and randomly driven about the basin

the last stubbornly concealed from elevation

crockery chips on the stainless steel tap when I don’t concentrate

oops, there goes another set!

plates are piled high in the super bowl

elevating Archimedes principle

dam! (or was that Eureka!) a wavelength spills onto the splash back

and in my panic I unplug the sinkhole

fingers fumbling in desperation  to seal the sucking! chasm

at last, all is rinsed and strategically stacked onto the drying rack

until it suddenly topples over as I turn my back,

casseroles crashing to the ground giving me a heart attack

I wipe down cupboards, hood, hotplate, bench, microwave, oven, sink,

and mop the kitchen floor, but of course

when I take the rubbish out there’s a !@#$%^  tear in the plastic!

The Proposal

A Scotsman with a big mouth, housing a big front tooth, was at a public dinner one day, when a maiden quizzed him about being a bachelor.  She told him that if it were not for that tooth, she would marry him herself.

To this, the Scot quietly replied that the Almighty likely put it there to save him from that fate!

Source: The Capricornian, Saturday 4 March 1899

Great Expectations

At the sessions of Tralee, a dentist sued his patient, who did not pay him for the fitting of eight false teeth.

The defendant’s excuse was that instead of receiving the artificial teeth he ordered, the dentist issued natural ones, sourced from the neighbouring churchyard!

Source: South Australian Register, Wednesday 29 May 1850

FEMME FATALE CLICHÉ

 The practice door opens.

I see her slowly walk towards me,

wearing a short, tight skirt, big hips swaying.

Silk stockings hug her long legs, further heightened by big heels.

She is wearing one of those skintight, semi see-through shirts,

top buttons undone, providing a glimpse of her big chest.

She gives me a sexy smile with her big, red lips.

She says “hi” with that big, sugary voice.

As we make small talk, she flicks about her big, blonde hair.

Her head tips back revealing the translucent skin of her neck with its big pulse.

She lightly touches my shoulder and laughs with her big, white teeth.

Her big, baby blue eyes now look directly into mine.

The health company representative is ready to make her big sales pitch…